I've been kind of ponder-y today about something that happened Saturday, and resurfaced Sunday, with Drew.
Saturday we went to Westwood Discount: the local "Junk Store" as David calls it. It's a discount store that buys inventory from shipments that didn't make it to their destination (like, the truck wrecked or something) and sells them for cheap. I love the store because you never know what gems you'll find. Most of it is junk, I freely admit, but every now-and-then you'll find something awesome like this cake carrier that I got for just $4.95! I get a lot of kitchen things there, like towels, serving bowls and plates, and I always get my dish scrubbers there because they only cost 59 cents as opposed to $5.00 in real stores, and they don't last very long. Roz found a pair of Hush Puppies there, just like Grandad wears. $11.00.
This particular trip to Westwood, I wasn't looking for anything in particular, and Roz was getting a few items to decorate her house; some little vase things and some other stuff. Drew grabbed one of the vases out of the cart and was just admiring it when he accidentally dropped it and it shattered. I went to get an employee to help us clean it up, and I told Drew to apologize to Roz (I would've had him apologize to the employee who swept the mess, but it was the owner's kid and he was like, ten years old. And he didn't make eye contact). Drew said, "Sorry broke a cup, Roz." Roz of course forgave him, and we went on our way.
I was pretty much done shopping at this point, and I think the boys were too. Roz had one more aisle to check out, so the boys and I waited while she finished browsing. I was holding Drew, and he had this sad look on his little face. I asked him what was bothering him. He replied, "I broke a cup." I looked at him and said, "You did break it, and then you said 'sorry.' I'm glad you said 'sorry'--it was very nice of you. And now it's over and we can keep shopping." A wave of relief washed over Drew's face, and he started looking at things and laughing again.
I kept thinking about this all night. I was surprised that Drew took the whole incident so much to heart. I just thought it was water under a bridge, but he was still concerned about it.
Sunday morning, Roz gave Drew a pencil. Drew yelled, "No want!" and grabbed the pencil and chucked it across the room. I told him to pick up the pencil and apologize to Roz. He said sorry, kind of under his breath, but didn't pick up the pencil. So I held his hand, walked over to the pencil, put his hand on it, picked it up and walked him over to the counter where he put it down. This is a sort of frequent event; when the boys refuse to take their plates to the sink, or when they purposely throw something and refuse to pick it up, we go through these same motions. That way, they know that I mean business and that they can't just go to time out and get away with not picking up their stuff. Sometimes all I have to do is threaten to "help" them and they'll do it themselves.
The rest of the morning, Drew was kind of quiet. I offered him milk and cereal for breakfast. He said "No." But when I had my back turned, he took it and ate. Everything I offered he refused. And we were both getting more and more agitated. Finally, I took him into his room and sat him down on his little chair. I told him, "It seems like you need a break, Drew. Stay in here, calm down, and when you're ready to eat, you can come out and eat." He just looked away from me and stared at the wall. His little cheeks turned pink, his eyes welled up with tears and his bottom lip quivered. I felt like just leaving him in there wouldn't resolve the issue, so I asked him if he'd like to talk about it. He said, "Yes" (for the first time all morning). I asked him, "Why are you sad?" He said, "I broke a cup."
I felt horrible! Did I make too big a deal of his wrong-doings? I don't want my kids to grow up hellions; I want them to know that manners are important--when someone offers you something you don't want, you say "No thanks." If you break something, you fix it or pay for it or whatever. Apparently I need to figure out a better way to convey that so my kid doesn't go around thinking I'm mad at him all the time...Oy.
5 comments:
Absolutely precious! I think you are doing so good at teaching them the value at integrity! THey learn something like 70% of all behavior by the time they are 6 years old. Not that I want Drew to be sad but he understands right and wrong and has a concience (sp?). Good job as a mom!
Abba
Sounds like you handled it well to me. Maybe he was just having a bad day?
Keep up the great work.
Naomi is super sensitive to any kind of reprimand. Anytime she got in trouble she'd be an inconsolable heap on the floor and cry, so I understand what you mean about wanting to discipline but not wanting them to take it too hard. I think you did the right thing by letting him talk about his feelings. Naomi always does better too if we remind her that she made it right, tell her that we love her, and tell her that we are confident she will make good choices in the future. However, after a reprimand it takes a lot of reassurance for her to recover. I've found if I ask her questions about it instead of telling her what she did was bad she processes it better. You're not too strict, some kids just need more reassurance than others.
Sorry I'm long-winded! But I just thought of one more thing that helps Naomi. We really avoid labels. As in, we don't say she did something bad or even assign blame sometimes. We state the fact, like "The vase broke," and then state the action, "Let's clean it up." That way she gets the message of what to do, but not the message of "you're a bad kid." It's better now that she's older, but when she was Drew's age, the truth is, she really wasn't responsible for her actions. Two year olds aren't wired for cause and effect or impluse control--they're brains literally have not connected those circuits. So, sometimes a gentler hand with discipline is okay. (Sorry if I sound preachy. I'm just trying to save you some of our frustration, and the therapy bills we've paid!)
Ethan had a similar personality at Drew's age. All I had to do to discipline him was to give him a crusty look and he'd be in tears. We had to tread carefully, and he has a very very long memory. I think you handled it just fine, and it is simply going to take time for him to figure out the how the world works. Just be consistent in how you react to things (easier said than done!) and make the consequences logical.
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